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I took three days off sick last week due to poor mental health.

It wasn’t something I felt comfortable about doing – yet I didn’t feel like I had much choice: a number of things had happened in my personal life, all in quick succession. It got too much for me and I felt too overwhelmed to do my job.

At first, I did not offer a reason for my absence. I’ve yet to perfect a mental health-related explanation for time off work. I can’t seem to find the words that adequately sum up why I feel the need to take time off without either sounding feeble or petty, or oversharing about my personal life. It’s not like a tummy bug or the flu where one or two words are relatively self explanatory. It’s so much easier when it’s a physical complaint because it doesn’t really require further explanation but also because it’s so normalised. As a society, our mental health awareness is improving but there’s still so much stigma around the conditions we cannot actually see or understand in terms of how they might affect one’s ability to function on a day to day basis. If it’s not a full-blown breakdown, it can be hard to explain how, one day we are managing our symptoms perfectly fine, only to wake up the next, feeling as though we just can’t.

I think part of the problem is that I stigmatize myself. If I say, I need to take the day off sick due to mental health issues, I feel like a failure. I compare myself to colleagues who I know have “powered through” a debilitating bout of COVID, and feel weak and somehow “less than” because I am unable to work because I feel “overwhelmed”. It doesn’t sound like a “good enough” reason. The result is that I feel guilty and ashamed on top of feeling overwhelmed.

Like I said, I then feel the need to overshare in order to justify my need for time off: divulging details about my personal life that I’d really prefer to keep to myself, or that, to my own ears, said out loud, sound kind of trivial or not adequate enough. I know the reality is that, at times, I am more resilient than others, and can cope with two or three challenging situations quite well – but throw in a couple of other things and that can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I feel right now like I’m generally less able to cope with the stresses and strains of everyday life: there isn’t anything outstanding or unusual about what I’m experiencing but I do think perimenopause has made me less resilient.

As somebody who self diagnoses as ADHD/Autistic, I also find that certain traits make it more difficult for me to manage everyday stressors; an good example is that I’m on a rota to cover the office every Wednesday: it’s just one day a week and while I enjoy seeing colleagues, I do find it quite challenging because a) I find it more difficult to focus on my work when I’m surrounded by colleagues than I would if I were working from home, b) I have to “mask” which might mean presenting as jolly and sociable when I’m not really feeling either – which can be anxiety-inducing as well as mentally exhausting.

After a couple of bad days at the start of last week, I got to Tuesday evening, and just knew I couldn’t face going into the office. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve requested last minute cover because I’ve felt that a day in the office was too much for me, and that brought me a deep sense of shame and guilt that I’m not “pulling my weight”, and, in this case, it felt easier just to take the day off sick than to go through the entire process of seeking cover for no other reason than “just not feeling up to it”. At least, if you’re off sick, there are fewer judgements made about your perceived contribution to the shared office cover arrangement.

Another thing I find is that, because I feel guilty about taking the time off, I actively avoid doing anything that might appear like “fun” or that one wouldn’t ordinarily do if they were off sick with a physical condition, like meet up with a friend for coffee or take exercise outdoors. You don’t want to give the impression that you enjoyed your time off: you’re off sick – you should be frustrated and miserable! But what if the reason you’re off sick in the first place is because you’re feeling frustrated and miserable? Surely then it would make sense to actively seek out pursuits that can benefit your wellbeing?

But again, guilt and self-stigma prevent me from doing anything that could be construed as “skiving” or “taking the piss”; because of this, I felt either a) compelled to stay at home to avoid being “spotted” or b) doing one of these beneficial activities but omitting the fact that I was actually off work, “sick”, if I bumped into somebody I knew because I knew it just sounded really dodgy, like I was “pulling a fast one” on my employer.

Again, I wonder how much of this comes from my own internal prejudice? Is this just another example of me self-stigmatizing? I think it depends on who you talk to: I know plenty of people who would be sympathetic to the plight of somebody with a troubled mind but my own husband is a good example of someone who finds it difficult to understand sick days used to piece together one’s broken mind. As somebody with a stiff upper lip, he would tell me to “pull my sock’s up” and get back to work.

We often have slightly heated debates about people with “hidden disabilities” – often in the context of blue badge holders or people who use disabled car parking spaces. He can rant for hours about the physically able man he witnessed using one of the aforementioned spaces and accuses me of being argumentative if I point out that this person might have a hidden disability and we should be mindful of this before we make assumptions or pass judgement. I can see his point – if we are talking about an individual who is using a disabled space and we can see them jogging with ease, well, it would be fair to assume that their need for the space is not based on anything physical – but then, just like mental health, it isn’t quite so black and white. The reality is we just don’t know so isn’t it better to proceed with kindness rather than with suspicion and contempt?

I am essentially invalidating myself when I question the legitimacy of my taking time off work for a mental health “issue” that might not be “good enough”.

By the time the third day rolled round and I felt no real improvement in my mood, I had reached the conclusion that I was spending too much time a) at home, by myself, and b) in my own head which is never a smart idea if that head is already filled with negative thoughts. I’m not suggesting we ignore the thoughts or feelings – these often need to be acknowledged because they could offer some useful insight into what might need to change or where we should take action; sometimes we need to listen in order to hear our own negative voices and challenge the cruel words we use against ourselves and replace these with something more constructive and compassionate.

However, we could strive for better balance. Instead of spending so much time inside our own heads – watching, noticing, observing, listening, challenging, we could instead just get on with actually living. Spending too much time in my own head prevents me from being present and from noticing the small wonders that the world around me has to offer which can boost our moods and bring more positivity into our lives.

Although I felt nothing but unease and lethargy around the prospect of leaving the comfort and safety of my own home or neighborhood, I forced myself to do just that and it was this decision that set me on my way to recovery from this short-term mental health “blip”.

First, I took myself to the shops for some retail therapy. I’m trying to avoid compulsive spending but there is a time and a place for the odd treat. I also took myself for lunch. There is something empowering about taking yourself to lunch. I then attended an Ayurveda workshop which was part of a wider wellbeing event and even though my mood that day made me think, “what is the point”?, I reasoned that being prepared to “give it a go” would surely beat the alternative which was most likely yet another day spent ruminating and reading self-help books (which again, has it’s place but not three days in a row at the expense of pursuits that provide potential opportunities to meet new people and learn something new and for genuine personal development that you won’t get simply from reading a book).

I am guilty of reading what I would loosely label as “self help” material and fooling myself into thinking that I’ve done something to improve my own personal situation, when the reality is that I’ve taken no action whatsoever. These books are guides but the self-help part comes from the action we take to improve our situations – nobody can do it for us but ourselves.

It’s no different to visiting to your local Holland & Barrett and walking out, armed with supplements and thinking you’re now this super healthy individual even when it all ends up in a drawer or cupboard for the next 12 months before being uncovered during that famous yearly clear-out and then discarded because the use by date has passed.

It was a gloriously sunny afternoon and by the time I got home, after several hours on my jolly adventure, my mood was markedly more upbeat. I then embarked on a similar expedition the following day and, again, noticed a significant improvement in my mood.

At this point, I felt ready to return to work and less ashamed about my having taken time off in the first place because I could see the proactive steps I had taken to improve my situation and the subsequent progress I had made. Had I not taken time to focus on myself – cleared some necessary headspace to enable me to notice what was going on and what I could do to make things better, well, there would have no improvement or learning.

It is learning about ourselves and indeed, what works best for us or what isn’t serving us, that makes future mental illness relapses less likely. By investing in myself, I taking positive steps in protecting my mental health and towards preventing mental illness in the future.

The guilt I had felt made way for a new feeling – one of pride and self compassion: “I needed that time”, I thought. I deserved that time to get back to feeling more like the robust, resilient individual I know I am.

I am not weak for taking time off work. Far from it. It takes self awareness to recognise when our minds are troubled, and courage to say, out loud, all is not well and I need to take time to steady the ship.

I’m still a little fragile: the events or stories that contributed to this latest episode are still ongoing – but taking time for me has given me space to build up a little resilience that will help me to manage the stressors in my life – but if things were to deteriorate again, I hope I will be kind to myself, not self stigmatize, and be okay to say, “I need to take today off sick because I’m struggling with low mood and anxiety”, and to be able to leave it there, knowing that that is enough.