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I’m not saying that Summer’s over: indeed, after a morning of torrential rainfall, it’s turned out quite lovely this afternoon, and while it’s still only the middle of August, I am quietly hopeful that there are still some Summer days yet to come before the Autumn leaves start to fall and there’s that tell-tale chill in the air…

Once upon a time I thoroughly disliked this time of year. For me, it symbolised the start of the descent into winter when I typically “struggle”. I don’t have quite the same energy levels as I do in the brighter months but my brain struggles to acknowledge this and by the time Christmas rolls round, I’m burnt out.

Autumn is typically the time of year when I’ve experienced most of my mental health difficulties; indeed, my mental breakdown struck on or around the September weekend and I was plunged into a depression that would continue into the following year.

Memories of that time used to haunt me and the negative associations with this time of year continued for quite some time until, well, they didn’t.

A trip round Scotland in between lockdowns in late 2020 was one of the things that turned things around because Scotland in October is just glorious; the colours of the leaves create a landscape that is just breathtakingly beautiful, and the positive memories from that trip created new, more positive associations. I was able to reframe Autumn into something that felt good for my well-being, instead of ruminating on a darker period.

But also time heals old wounds.

For me, the new focus of my seasonal dread is Christmas but that’s a whole other blog…

Back to Summer.

What a whirlwind this one has been. The warm, sunny days have been few & far between but I was lucky to catch an abundance of rays in Majorca in late June & early July. Again, toward the end of July & beginning of August, I got lucky with the weather when I had time off work, dedicated to watching the olympics.

Finally, finally, did I have the opportunity to do what I love most about summer which is to open all the windows and doors to let in the early morning breeze, maybe to walk barefoot on the dewy grass, to enjoy the early morning stillness.

Alas, summer has been, for me, something of an emotional journey. I haven’t always felt at peace, either with myself, with people around me or even in my own environment. During two weeks off, I was able to hone into those feelings. This isn’t necessarily pleasant. Some of this existential angst is the type you often distract yourself from when you’re busy with day to day activities and your normal routine. But facing those thoughts and feelings – identifying what ones to challenge, what ones to engage with, and the ones to kick firmly to the curb, is necessary and important for longer term wellbeing. It’s in quieter moments that you get to figure out what is no longer serving you and what requires attention; it nudges you onto the right path towards contentment.

It’s a tricky period I’m in: my boys are growing up. Alas, one day, much sooner in the future than I’d realised, they will move on without me – to embark on their own lives; the special memories we’ve created along the way will always be there but opportunities to create more – like lazy fortnights around the pool in Majorca will one day be a thing of the past. When I realised this for the first time earlier this summer, my heart ached a little and I yearned for the days when they were just little boys, wishing I’d been more present to enjoy every minute of their growing up because it all goes so fast. Conveniently, in the midst of my nostalgia, I forget how challenging it is to raise small children.

My perimenopause symptoms have ramped up a notch, forcing me, finally, to make that GP appointment to discuss HRT options. The hot flushes I said goodbye too earlier this year have returned and deep sleep evades me, negatively impacting my mood, my energy levels and my overall quality of life.

But where there are endings, there are also beginnings. The holidays are over; the kids have returned to school. The nights are fair drawing in. I’m back to work but, as of next week, I’m increasing my hours and, far from dreading it, I’m actually quite excited for the challenge because the additional hours involve a new role and I’m hopeful that this will reignite the passion I once felt for my job but which has been sadly lacking these past few years.

I am also looking forward to slowing down.

I love summer but there’s undoubtedly pressure to perform and achieve and “make the most of it”. Autumn is a new chapter and it signifies the beginning of a period when we’re “allowed” to slow down.

I’m not very good at slowing down and usually need permission – say, something external, like a Covid lockdown, to inflict the necessity changes that allow me to bring my activity levels down a notch.

But our bodies and minds are not designed to run full throttle all year round and maybe, just maybe, this year, I’ll allow myself to take the foot off the gas, just a little, just for a bit, you know, just to see what it’s like, to just lean into the stillness.