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I had a week off sick recently and it provided an opportunity to sit alone with my thoughts for a little while, and to reflect on life right now.

I had a few little epiphanies during this period and thought it would be fun – possibly even useful – to share these with you.

The “Hormonal Shift”

I was confirmed as perimenopausal last November. This was shortly after my Dad passed away following a long illness. The stress of his illness took a toll on my physical health and emotional wellbeing and my menstrual cycles varied anything from 18 to over 100 days at a time. When you are a woman in her forties, it doesn’t take much to knock the hormonal equilibrium and stress of any sort can increase the unpleasant side-effects.

Things have settled down somewhat since the turn of the year, with my periods becoming more regular and more predictable and perimenopausal symptoms subsiding. The hot flushes I was experiencing regularly throughout the day for months at a time have disappeared completely which just goes to show how profound an affect stress – including grief – can have on one’s hormonal health.

It has made it easier to tune into my body and, as a result, I am becoming aware of a hormonal shift that seems to take place around 7-10 days before my period starts. This, seemingly without fail, begins with my husband saying or doing something to annoy me: usually something that 24 hours earlier would not have phased me one bit; and that’s how I know.

I might experience the following symptoms in the ensuing days: free-floating anxiety, disrupted sleep, low mood, overthinking and existential angst, a need to be productive yet massively procrastinating, and a deep sense of failure when I am unable to achieve everything on a seemingly endless to-do list.

As challenging as this can be, being able to recognise this shift and the patterns that follow is helpful because I know what’s causing the symptoms and I know it will pass. If I can, I make some simple adjustments to my thought patterns and how I engage with loved ones, I up the self care and try to offer myself some compassion. I can put things in place to look after my wellbeing and to avoid drama or conflict with others. This stops me becoming overwhelmed, falling out with my husband, taking an innocuous comment the wrong way, creating ridiculous narratives in my head and going down a rabbit hole of overthinking.

The 6 second Kiss

On the subject of relationships, I have taken on board a tip I learned from a clip on Instagram which featured lifestyle prescribing GP & best selling author, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee and one of his many expert guests. I wish I could remember what episode of his show, Feel Better Live More, this clip featured, and, indeed, the special guest, so I could recommend y’all check it out for yourself, but I can’t so you will have to take me at my word, that regularly kissing my husband for at least 6 seconds seems to have had a positive impact on our relationship.

Supposedly, physical touch and affection, including kissing, results in the production of oxytocin – or the love drug – this is basically a chemical in our brain that makes us feel good and, crucially, closer and more connected to the people around us. Now, I’m not suggesting you go kiss your work colleagues, but, if relations have been strained between you and your partner – perhaps, like me & my husband, you are juggling ongoing commitments to ageing parents and teenage kids, and just generally in the thick of “adulting”, and this can a) reduce the opportunity to spend quality time with one another, and b) increase the potential for conflict – I would recommend giving this a go.

Arranging my books by size instead of content

I have a bookshelf in my living room for all my non-fiction books. I love nothing more than a wander round Waterstones or scouring Amazon for titles that have been recommended to me and, over the years, I have succumbed many, many times to the temptation to add to my collection to the extent that my husband often comments on my ‘sickness’ and if I’ve actually ever read any of the books on my bookshelf.

It’s a fair question. Until fairly recently, the answer was No. Why not? Honestly, I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of books and the range of topics on offer. I had my books arranged by subject matter and this was where I was going wrong.

Many of those books are general ‘self-help’, making them difficult to categorise because they cover a variety of topics. And then there were times when I would want to read about a specific topic but feel unable to pick one from maybe 4-5 titles. How does one choose? What if you get it wrong? I would become paralysed by decision fatigue and just not bother. Thus, the books remained, neglected and unread on the bookshelf.

Until, one day I took it upon myself to arrange all the books by size. All the big, chunky hardbacks would go on one shelf; all the paperbacks on another; mid-size hardbacks on another; little books that you can dip in and out of, which are great for popping in your handbag for reading on the go, they would form another pile and go on another shelf. And so on. It was a game changer. When I was off work, sick, with little energy or inclination to do anything else, I randomly selected one from each shelf, and so my daily reading ritual began.

Another change I made was to reduce my expectations: I knew it was unlikely that I was going to fall in love with every book I read; I also knew that reading non-fiction content is harder in terms of staying focused and engaged than, say, reading a page-turning psychological thriller. Some of the content might be quite ‘dry’ and, therefore, more challenging to read and, with that in mind, I decided to commit to reading just one chapter of each book before moving onto the next. It was brilliant. I would read about one topic then move onto another and it always felt fresh and easily maintained my interest. I got lucky the first time because out of 6 books, 4, maybe 5, were outstanding reads, and it took me no time at all to get through them then onto 6 more. When I reflect upon that first experience, reading in my back garden because, for those few days it happened also to be warm and sunny, I feel a sense of joy that continues as I work my way though the titles on my shelves.

Staying on top of Clutter Corner

Before my mental breakdown in 2018-2019, I lived in a house that was essentially a compromise of everything that mattered to me. If I’m honest, it did not really reflect me – my personality, my hobbies or interests, my values, in any way. Looking back, I was not living an authentic life and this no doubt had a negative impact on my mental wellbeing.

Fast forward 5 years and I now have what my husband affectionately refers to as Clutter Corner. My beautiful ‘love seat’ that looks out the window and is lovingly surrounded by all my things: books, notepads, journals, magazines, art supplies, bags, dried flowers. It often deteriorates into chaos and I have to continually stay on top of it but I love it because it’s Me, chaos and all.

Sometimes If I’m watching TV from the 3 seater sofa where you will mostly find my husband, I will glance over to Clutter Corner with a warm sense of appreciation and gratitude. I love how this space has transformed my ability to spend quiet time: reading, listening to a CD (yes, I still do that – showing my age here), daydreaming, watching passers-by from the window, or mindfully sipping tea, and has created opportunities to express my more creative side: I journal, I post my silly little TikToks, I jot down ideas for blog posts. Yes, it gets cluttered and yes, I need to stay on top of that but, overall, the affect on my wellbeing has been transformative.

Scaling back my pursuits and focusing on 2-3 that work

When I was unwell earlier in the year, I spent my days reading. As I’ve already said, this new habit I cultivated during a time of convalescence brought some much needed joy back into my life. Reading is a restful activity that provides me with an opportunity to learn about new things, to read about people who have overcome difficult experiences, and to inform the different wellbeing practices I might incorporate into my own life. Reading, while restful at it’s core, is also energising, motivating and inspiring.

Being unwell came on the back of many months of challenges: grief, hormonal fluctuations, an Autism and ADHD self diagnosis. There was a lot to process and I wasn’t always kind to myself. I have written previously about the Habit Tracker and all the new habits I was trying to cultivate. Becoming unwell gave me time and headspace to reflect on the fact that most of this was having a profoundly negative affect on my wellbeing. I recognised this fact long before my illness but, when you’re in the thick of things, it can be hard to take action by addressing what is not serving you and, more importantly, prioritising what is.

There was reading, long walks in nature, and finding a creative outlet through weekly Art Therapy sessions. I had finally taken the plunge with starting my blog and, though I certainly didn’t see this coming, I kind of fell in love with TikTok. I was content with these activities and made a conscious decision to let the rest go.

Would I love to practice yoga, meditate, journal every day? Do I wish I was more inclined to visit the gym, socialise with friends, commit to learning Italian? Sure. But I can’t do it all and it comes back to prioritising what works for me right now. Those other things will still be there, waiting for me to come back to. I’ve realised that life goes in phases. I get hyper fixated on different hobbies or activities that work for me over a period of time – and then perhaps they don’t and something else will take over my interest. I’m learning to be okay with that instead of thinking that by not seeing something through to fruition that I have somehow failed. Life is too short to spend time on activities just because you think you ‘should’; far better, to spend your time and energy and focus on activities that make you feel good.

Engaging in therapies

I am lucky that, in recent months, I have been able access a variety of mental health supports: when my mental health took a down turn just over a year ago, I sought support from a local Third Sector organisation that has supported me in the past. Through this service, I gained a Support Worker and access to Art Therapy sessions. While my mental ill health was less acute than it was five years ago, I still gained so much from weekly sessions with the Support Worker who provided a safe space for me to air my feelings and there were worksheets and activities that helped me move forward in a positive way. Weekly Art Therapy provided me with a creative outlet and an opportunity to get back into sketching which I had always enjoyed as a child, and to learn a new skill through water colour painting.

I am, by nature, results-driven, so to find an activity that allowed me to focus entirely on the process rather than fixating on an outcome, was something of a revelation. Learning this new skill has helped me to cultivate more patience and finding my flow state has been greatly beneficial for my mental wellbeing and ability to manage stress.

I was also able to access a block of counselling sessions although I prefer to refer to these as therapy. For me, counselling is for those less fortunate than I who have experienced trauma. Not to undermine my own experiences but I am aware that I have had a relatively trauma-free life. Therapy, on the other hand, is something I would recommend to anybody and everybody: if only we could all access this space to discuss whatever comes up for us and to explore our feelings around our own day-to-day experiences, the world would, in my opinion, be a much better place.

I also tried out a couple of Hypnotherapy sessions with my friend, a newly qualified Hypnotherapist. After my Dad died, another friend of mine had thoughtfully gifted me a one-off session. I felt under obligation somewhat and it took a little self-talk to get me to go into this with an open mind because I wasn’t in a position, financially, to pursue more than perhaps a couple of sessions. My mind kept insisting that there wasn’t, therefore, much point – after all, how effective could just one session be? Was I not wasting my time as well as that of my friend, the Hypnotherapist. In the end, after the aforementioned pep-talk, I decided to fully engage in the process: I went in with the attitude that it might be enormously beneficial and not to rule out the possibility of further sessions. I did find the two sessions I attended to be really helpful – not to mention, incredibly relaxing – but, in the end, it was other circumstances that meant I stopped at two sessions – but I would not rule out going back for more. I can’t guarantee that this wasn’t simply a coincidence, but I genuinely felt that, even after that first session, my propensity towards overthinking was greatly reduced and my overall outlook greatly improved. I’ve been operating, for the most part, with a considerably more positive outlook every since I underwent those hypnotherapy sessions.

While I am truly grateful for all of the above as I know not everybody has access to these services, the final word goes to me because I give myself credit for how I engaged with each of these processes. I truly believe that you get so much more out of therapy, counselling etc., if you fully engage. This means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to trust in the process, and I did that. In a way, there is something really empowering about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and authentic and not to let fears over being judged get in the way.

Activities don’t always have to be productive

I was brought up to be productive so it’s taken a while to let this sink in and to truly believe it but I am definitely getting there. I am lucky, I think, because the many hobbies and interests I enjoy are all things that stem back to childhood. So much about ‘adulting’ can mean losing that sense of joy and wonder you have so innately as a child or young person before you learn about ‘the real world’.

I think I am, at heart, quite childlike but somewhere within the last twenty years, I lost that quality: in recent months, I think I’ve rediscovered this and now fully embrace it. I believe I am happier now and living a much more authentic life because I am allowing myself to just enjoy what I enjoy, if that makes sense.

I still catch myself wondering if whatever I’m doing in that moment – writing my silly blog posts, pottering about my house, creating my silly little TikToks – is actually worthwhile: what purpose do each of these activities serve? But I now override that negative voice in my head by recognising that they make me happy. Sure, I’m not curing Cancer or saving the world, but that’s okay. There has to be something for each of us – something that sparks joy, and provides a welcome break from the monotony and relentlessness of ‘adulting’ with all its various challenges.

What will yours be?