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😴 I woke up super early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. This is not uncommon after a dinner with friends that involves too much food and wine 🍷.

😨 I found myself anxiously contemplating a spiralling debt problem (as one does at 5am) and realised I might benefit from a little dedicated ‘worry time’.

FYI, if you haven’t tried it, worry time is time dedicated to worrying. For the uninitiated, that probably sounds bonkers but it actually works.

⏰ The idea is to set aside time during the course of your day – perhaps 15-30 minutes, where you write out all the things you’re currently worrying about.

✍️ I hasten to add, 5am is not the optimal time for worrying but actually getting those worries out your head and down on paper is, in my experience, quite an effective tool for managing middle of night anxiety and enabling you to get back to peaceful slumber.

It’s helpful to separate each issue in terms of how much control you have over them.

My teenage son sits his National 5’s over the next month or so.

This isn’t actually something I’m particularly concerned about although,  naturally, I feel the flutter of anxious  butterflies in my tummy when I contemplate the upcoming exams if only because I remember all too well how icky exams can be, but it’s a good example of something I have no control over. Worrying about it won’t make one shred of difference. The only person who can affect the outcome is my son.

On the other hand, my spiraling debt problem, while not entirely black and white, is something within my control. I know I spend way above my means and need to reign it in. I also know it won’t be easy as I have an issue with compulsive spending – but it’s a problem only I can solve.

📃 Once you’ve got two lists: things out with your control and things within your control, you can a/ start to identify actions you can take to resolve the issues, or b/ resolve not to waste any more time worrying about outcomes you can not change.

I couldn’t find a journal dedicated to worry time/middle of the night musings because I’d yet to replace the one I’d recently finished…thankfully I have an indecent stationary collection so a note book is never far away 📒.

I usually set a timer and just write for the allotted time. It’s essentially a brain dump, meaning everything that’s in my head, all those things causing me anxiety and preventing me from sleeping, gets dumped, unceremoniously onto a bit of paper. Once those thoughts have been liberated from your mind, it’s much easier to get some peace.

But there’s more to it than that.

Worry time, brain dumping, scrawled musings, journaling – whatever you want to call it – brings perspective.

Once it’s out your head and on a piece of paper it usually doesn’t feel as bad. Of course, this could be because you’re no longer avoiding the issue/burying your head in the sand/trying desperately to block out negative thoughts and worries; you’re finally confronting the issue and, chances are, worry time has provided an opportunity to come up with an action you can take to resolve the issue (or dismiss it altogether if it’s something you can’t change).

There’s something about the middle of the night that seems to exaggerate worries; they get blown up ten-fold; we lose sleep over them then, when morning comes, we wonder why we got so wound up.

🎑 I think this is because the middle of the night feels so isolating. It’s like you’re the only person in the world, awake, at that time while the rest of the world is in deep slumber. Of course this isn’t the case at all: at any one time, there are likely to be thousands of people, wide awake in the middle of the night, anxiously contemplating one thing or another.

🐦5am on a Spring morning is different. Not so ominous. For a start, the sky has already started to lighten and the dawn chorus has begun. If it wasn’t for the anxious contemplation, it could be quite a spiritual experience.

As well as the aforementioned spiralling debt worries (triggered by a recent period of over indulgence), I have also been contemplating my failures.

📚 I recently read Failosophy by Elizabeth Day, a brilliant pocket-sized gem of a book, about the 7 principles of failure. The principles, created by Day, are designed to help us accept our failures, whatever they might be. Day, herself, demonstrates her own vulnerability (one of the 7 principles) when referring to her many failed pregnancies.

At the end of the book, she provides examples of failures described by various guests on her podcast show, How to Fail, including well-known celebrities, poets, writers, actors, reality TV stars, sports people, even politicians who are not usually known for being humble, open or accountable.

Some of these are truly eye-opening as well as life-affirming ❤️. We’re talking about people with incredibly successful careers, describing failures that have clearly had a massive impact on their lives and subsequently how they view themselves. Reading it made me feel humbled but, at the same time, part of something much bigger than myself or any one individual person: I felt part of the human race, with all our individual failures, flaws and insecurities.

It reminded me not to judge others without knowing their journey and not to make assumptions just because a person can appear on the outside to be living the dream.

It got me thinking about my own failures and, once I started, I couldn’t stop. It was kind of cathartic but also kind of shocking to realise how we all carry around the emotional baggage of our failures along with feelings of guilt and shame and regret. Something to explore in therapy I’d suggest…

In the spirit of transparency, here are my failures – or at least the ones I’ve identified to date:

⚖️ I feel like a failure because, despite my best efforts, I have been unable to lose weight.

🚢 I feel like a failure because I have avoided visiting my Mum in Arran (a small island on Scotland’s West coast) since my Dad’s death last October.

Although I speak to her every day and have spent time with her in-person a handful of times, I have not felt able to stay with Mum in a house filled with negative associations and reminders of that grim period leading up to Dad’s death. And, of course, I feel his absence profoundly 😞. 

I feel like I have failed my own mother. Not going to Arran has been an act of self-preservation during a period of grieving. But it’s also a form of avoidance. In that sense, I have also failed.

I feel like a failure because I prefer solitude to socialising with others. I continually hear about the importance of connecting with others for our mental wellbeing and feel like I should be doing more to nurture my relationships. It feels like failure to prefer to spend time alone.

💰I feel like a failure because, despite my Dad paying off a considerable chunk of my debt and making me promise not to acquire any more, I’ve allowed it to creep back up again.

But I can’t change my past.

Am I happy? Yes, right now, I am happy for the first time in a long while. I know I have plenty to work on but I feel genuinely content with my lot; like, despite it all, some of the joy and sparkle has returned to my life ✨.

As ever, writing things down has helped.

I’ve got perspective.

Nobody has died (well, apart from Dad) but in terms of whats on that list, well, there’s nothing that can’t be fixed.

There are plenty of things to try and I’ve got time to come up with solutions 🤔.

I can focus on the positives (and there are many) – for all the failures, there has been plenty of success too – and I am particularly proud of how I have battled on despite life’s challenges ☺️.

I’ve already achieved a lot this year and it’s only April. If I were to reflect on the year so far, I would say 2024 has been a good year – lots of rewarding experiences and good memories. And there’s still 8 months to go.

🎢 I haven’t always felt good – life has its ups and downs – but I’ve carried on, doing all the right things to support my mental wellbeing – like journalling.

🕯️It’s been a turbulent past year but I feel like I’m coming out the end of a dark tunnel and can finally move on to a new, more positive chapter in my life.

I feel positive about the future and my faith and confidence have been restored. 

Of course, one can never know what the future holds and what might be around the corner, but we can work on building our resilience so we are able and confident enough to manage and withstand life’s challenges, bouncing back stronger and prevailing against the odds.